I know I’m probably in the minority here, but I don’t see what the big deal is. Where’s the texture? This stuff has the consistency of soft-serve. It melts right away, lacking the satisfying solidity maintained even by other places that lambaste your ice cream with a spatula before serving it.

Where’s the flavor? The first time my husband and I went there, we got mango with berries mixed in. It tasted like milk. I went back a second time for “nights in white chocolate,” thinking an ice ceam parlor so universally adored probably deserved a second chance. Still bland. Not even the caramel syrup could save it. Yesterday was strike 3 for Coldstone. I had promised my daughter some “gleen ice cleam,” but our awesome regular place was out of the question because my brother’s stupid, bitchy ex is working there for the summer.

I got their “coconut cream pie” concoction. I didn’t expect it to be as ambrosial as Graeter’s…but I expected it to at least taste like coconut? The whipped topping had more flavor than the ice cream did. Lousy shitty dried coconut flakes. And the vanilla ice cream they used as a base? It tasted like milk.

The mint chocolate chip ice cream the baby got at least had a hint of mint flavor, but it wasn’t anything special either.

Yet everyone I know talks about Coldstone as if they experience rapture with each bite. What’s the big deal? Am I ordering the wrong flavors every time, or have I been spoiled by overexposure to really good ice cream?

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